Tuesday, 27 March 2012

mein vati

so my mother went away for a week and it fell to me to look after my dad whilst she was away. My mother puts a lot of effort in with looking after my dad. previously i thought it was really only harmful to keith. that he would be more sane and healthy without that care.
So mother swans off to cyprus and i take a rather lax approach to keiths care. This moring the nurse wakes me up saying keith has collapsed on the floor. At this point i thought i may of made an error in my opinions of this matter. I didnt really know what to do. my brother came over and with a rather annoying swagger proceeded to fix father with a shot of insulin.
so yeah my father had an operation to remove bladder cancer which went wrong and left him in intensive care for several days. they revived him and through a long path of effort he is still going a decade later. but it now appears his link to the living is a rather tenuous one and without a constant effort from my family he would not survive.
but living the way he does it is not so different to the person kept alive by machines. he is a direct product of my familys efforts and really has no personality of his own. If i was solely responsible he would not live long. I think he is rather indifferent to it all. he endures because people fight for him but he would fairly easily drift into the afterlife if that care was taken away.

Saturday, 24 March 2012


in a bid to diversify iv started using twitter for really inane shit. i can probably have blogger post to twitter or vice versa but in the mean time:

online shopping addiction

I have a small scale addiction to buying things i dont need on the internet. I get about £50 a week in benefits from the state for helping to look after my padre. As i live with my parents and pay nothing to them i can do what i like with this money. The wise man would save it. I spend it on things on the internet.
recently its been DIY stuff. electrical cable, wire strippers, drills, screws. Its all kind of useful but not really necesary. I just bought a couple of rcd/ circuit breaker plugs amongst other things. I think though the main house circuit has circuit breaker protection inbuilt so its pointless.

I suffer first world problems. lord help me i have moneyz and i cant resist spending it. i am suffering.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

suicide and murder

your sat alone. the world has closed in and the options are slim. masterbation, drugs and calling people niggers isnt gonna cut it. you can go to the garage and hang yourself from the rafters or go and rape the neighbour.

strike out against the world. destroy and pillage. open up someone elses veins rather than your own. be not a slave to morality. it is better them than you.

Sunday, 18 March 2012

mood happiness

is the rich man happier than the poor man?

not really. im not sure if happiness is the body in decline or in health but its relative. If we lived the same day repeatedly we'd become unemotional it is change that brings about mood.

the rich man is less emotional because he is less subject to the erratic nature of things. his wealth gives him a distance from the hustle and bustle.
the poor man is on top of the world one minute and despairing the next. the poor man is more moral. more of  a religeos mentality of good and evil, that is a result of been tossed over board by the world then dragged back on shore and given coconuts.

you can desire happiness, you can obtain it. happiness can be linked to certain things in the world for certain people but it is subjective. you cannot always be happy. you cannot always be sad. if you are born a slave and forced to eat turd your entire life you will be endure no more sadness than the rich man who can indulge his every desire.

dogs and politics

so i sit here and eat some pizza. My dog sits next to me. It is obvious she wants some pizza too. But i dont give it to her. whys that? i could simply say i am greedy and want it all which would be reasonable. people dont usually say this though. they take the moral highground. They say the dog is not clever.

" If i feed her everything she wants she will become fat and will be worse off than if i control her diet and behaviour." ultimately "i know best and therefore have the right to act against her will."

this is always how authority justifies itself. governments say the public is not wise it matters of finance, of ruling so we shall act for you. But surprise surprise the politicians usually do rather well out of the decisions they make and the populace not so much.

I give my dog leftovers and things i dont want. if she finds a dead animal in the field i will let her gorge on it.
 People, animals should have the right to do as they please if it doesnt really affect others. If my dog ends up a big bloat, rolling around with arthritis because of my lack of control well i will be upset but i will not regret my decisions. people, animals make much more progress if allowed to make their own mistakes. mistakes are just forms of behaviour we have evolved beyond and remember.  we cant be educated, or told the correct way as some sort of shortcut we must commit the mistakes ourselves.

authorites probably believe the moral bullshit they spout but really they are just acting in their own interest.

Friday, 16 March 2012


This blogs really starting to pay the bills.

Thursday, 15 March 2012


can you create your own world through your behaviour. Its one way to look at the artist. rather than someone who gives out merely someone trying to find satisfaction through his own creations. the world and those around them dont offer enough satisfaction so he has to produce his own content.

an alternate one would be that the artist is a sickly character. lacking vigour he withdraws to his solitude to work on projects that offer no direct benefit to the world in which they live.

but to digress well beyond this topic i have to say to talk of artists, scientists and philosophers is rather silly in this day and age. the boudaries blur and increasingly the concepts of old no longer apply. you can call yourself an engineer, a scientist, a gardener. but what are you actually doing? your standing in a room talking about the x factor. your arguing with a pedestrian about rights of way, your trying to suck your own genitals.

the daily struggles

I try to avoid the activities most people do to maintain happiness and sanity. Such as employment, relationships, exercise. All these things are appealing to me in their isolation but they are always tangled up with other unpleasant shit.

Employment requires a routine, getting up everyday early in the morning. Driving a car. these things are pretty undesirable to me. Anything we forced to do repeatably becomes intolerable. It is the trivial shit that through repetition reaches our bone marrow that is the main problems we all face (the alarm clock, the greetings to colleagues, the drive to work) not the sharp pangs of new sensations (the burglar in your flat, LSD, being fired).
relationships. well i tried pretty hard at university but it wasnt enough. I feel alienated form most people women more so than men. I perhaps get their respect but they are just bored with what i am interested in, what i want to discuss.
exercise well that inevitably gets repetitive. I wonder mind doing som rock climbing, downhill mountainbiking if it didnt require driving and such.

So it becomes a struggle. You talk shit on the interwebs. you play with the electrics of your house. you try and fix cars. you smoke cigarettes and obsess about illegal substances out of reach. play the shit out of video games. It is all pretty foolish but we must push onwards. to stand still is not really an option.
We ask why did the boy try and backflip off a building? why do people talk such stupidity, fight and rape? Sure desire has a lot to do with it but everyones tranna stave off the horrors of silence, anxiety and something worse than what they are doing. stupidity is necesary not only for wellbeing,we must travel through it, push outwards if we are going to see something more intelligent.

we are not rational beings capable of holding to principles and rules. we are subject to stimulus and response. if i show you gore you baulk if i show you a puppy you grin. well maybe you do somethign very different but you do not decide. you simply react.

so where the hell was I? these posts never go according to my plan. so yeah im rather obsessed with drugs these days. I smoke cigarettes. Think i might try and buy one of those shisha pipes. give them a go. like i say i hear your valid criticisms but while you have your stupidities I have different ones.


vagina. it has a certain beauty to it like a butterfly. a pristine tunnel that perfectly compliments the penis.
then youv got cunt. a raging beast. a violence and aggression in its brevity. an enemy of the cock that must be throttled and smothered, stangled and killed.
pussy. the sss of moisture. the slip slop. the canal flowing with pungent juices.

penis. a snake in the grass. a de-eroticised tool for urinating and procreation.

dick, rod, nob. a lump of wood to be waved about like a hooligan.

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

the economic recession

what is the reason for this?

most would probably say the banks. The crashing of banks was the most obvious phenomenon that can be related to and seemingly cause the global downturn that has followed. But how much are banks responsible for revenue, for productivity? not much.
banks are run by the rich and the intelligent they have a jolly good time and make lots of money moving it around but they really arent producing anything. It is the factory worker, the mechanic, the waiter who are the foundations of an economy. The shittier the job the more it contributes to the nations gdp.
The intelligent and the wealthy are either given the means or come to understand that despite the importance of these unpleasant jobs they are best avoided and that personal satisfaction and wealth go hand in hand.
but as time goes on the rich become poorer and the poor become richer. the working class no longer want to work the shitty jobs they have evolved beyond it. It has fallen to an underclass drafted in from other countries the west is also propped up by developing countries and their productivity. Ultimately productivity has fallen and the recession is caused by the evolution of the poor. They gain access to technology and more wealth and no longer want to endure the struggle and turpitude of their parents.
           This ofc is an ongoing process. people gave up the farms and the ploughs and went to the factories. then they left the factories and went to the offices. now people sit on their arses at their computers playing computer games perhaps doing casual part time jobs. The economy will recover but only when work for the masses becomes more amenable and this will happen through more and more of the economy being based on the internet which is more pleasant than the horrors of office work.

Monday, 12 March 2012

blogs/ writing versus youtube/vlog

i prefer watching youtube to reading blogs but i struggle with making videos it seems so much more arduous than writing. I feel youtube/ vlogging is the future but not sure i can make the transition.

Sunday, 11 March 2012

men of the see

we are men of the see
you and me

rowing our boats
on the translucent cream

the care of animals and putting them down

why do we put animals down?
"because they are suffering"

but we dont say "they would prefer to be dead". we dont give them that level of intelligence. We dont put humans down, why animals?

Iv been watching videos on youtube of dogs being taken to be put down. they are upsetting for me because my childhood dog was put down. i was away at university. i came home for christmas. the dog had rather swollen legs and struggled to walk. but my parents wouldnt walk her. i took her out and by the time i went back to uni she was much better. then a couple of months later i get a call saying she had been put down. i was angry at myself and my family for them not tellign me she had deteriorated and for me not being there.

I look at these videos and i presume when i looked at my dog i dont see these dogs as in great pain or miserable. their bodies are failing them but I dont think they should be put down. The dog no longer puts up a fight when taken to the vet it accepts its fate. When looking after anyone, any animal we should do what they desire. If we are not sure we should do nothing.
But care is always dictated more by the carer than the person being looked after. The owner looks at the dog and is extreemly upset at the dogs condition and that emotion drives them to take action. But our love and the consequent action is only harmful and the more upset the more love the more harm we do to those we are attached to.

Saturday, 10 March 2012


a flick of the flint
a flame lights

inhaling the grey fumes
a sharp pang to the lungs and dizziness
the gift of a future cancer

the body falling apart under desire.


the moment of srtupefied exghaustyion when you cant spell correclty.

slumped in your chair. incapacitated.

drinking beer and smoking cigarettes.

a beautiful thing. ah well i feel myself coming round. guess i'll go make a pizza.

Friday, 9 March 2012

foundation of religeon

religeon is founded on a code of repetitve behaviour. it outlaws most behaviour. the physical act of prayer the effort of getting up at a certain time and heading to the church/mosque. the effort of abstinence. this is what makes religeon appealing. the doctrine is inspirational to the believer and the physical practices are its expression.

The idea that religeon was an organic process that 'god' has appeared in many distinct cultures and represents a level of evolution in all of humanity.
The elite the leaders who called themselves gods (such as ancient egypt)or laid claim to supreme knowledge (the clergy) and extorted the fruits of the masses labour with inspirational and befuddling ideas. Did these people do this cynically with the personal belief they were not gods that they didnt understand or were not in contact with god?  Without people more intelligent than oneself its harder to doubt ones brilliance and given enough inequality the great see themselves as gods when surrounded by such idiocy.

religeon is the ultimate example of the power of intelligence. the masses controlled by speeches and ideas that inspire, confuse and scare.
when leaders have to use force the game is close to an end. it is governments that are the obstacle of todays generation. but they are remarkably liberal compared to the past. they do this not becasue they are compassionate but because to impose stricter control would energise the populace to discredit them.
the proliferation of police brutality on the internet in videos is an increasing sign of the waning of police power not vice versa.

Sunday, 4 March 2012


a single letter in an ocean of letters.

but I was here.

then I was eaten by an octopus.

now I am no more. I am [dirt]

how does one upload dirt to blogger, anyone know?

Sunday, 12 February 2012

a nun rides her bike
to save the kike
by digging hands
rummaging for salvation
amongst the blood and shit.

Friday, 20 January 2012


the murderers act of ending  another human being. killing a human is far more significant than killing an animal because they are so much stronger. they have much more vigour and dominate their surroundings. people arent scared of animals on the whole they are scared of other humans.

when you think about what the average human being achieves in a lifetime. to bring that process to a stop prematurely requires a huge effort. the murderer is in some ways a beast, an animal. someone that has not developed the means to exhaust themself due to constraints placed upon them by others. the murderer to be gains a certain amount of freedom from his constraints ie he escapes his abusive father or incarceration and he unleashes himself upon a suitable target. it is frightening in its intensity but the murderer has no more or less enrgy than anyone else he just unleashes it wildly then collapses.

murder is much more a reflex than less violent things like tennis and scrabble. the murderer is compelled in a way the average man will never experience. whilst most of us slowly plod along making a small change to ourselves and the world each day the murderer erupts once, twice, ten times and the rest of their existence is blank. ok i over simplify some murderers are somewhat normal they kill the weak and it doesnt cost themselves so much.

is the murder of someone more significant than the mona lisa ie does that act of violence change the world more than the legacy of da vincis painting. the painting is pointless now it seems, irrelevant. who stands in front of it and quakes, is shaken by what it displays or is moved to any reasonable degree? but when you add up the thousands that have seen it does it change the world more than a 17 year old boy being killed and all the upset and outrage that follows?

Friday, 6 January 2012

everything and nothing

in the beginning there were two things.

there was 'everything'. it was a small scar. it pulsated. it was hideeous and immoral. a nervous raging thing that was too scared to move.

there was 'nothing'. 'nothing' was an infinite plane of glass, minus the glass. it was peace. it was assurred and calm.

now 'everything' raged like a faggot for an aeon or two. then expanded. this expansion, this 'big bang' was the most significant act. if we are to blame anyone for war crimes and atrocities then 'everything' is to blame. it raped and defiled 'nothing' it plundered the infinite clean sheets. eating up the huge meadows of rose petals.

now there was no longer 'nothing' and no longer 'everything'. the two had ceased to exist in the act of rape and now there was 'something'. something - the middle road, a line that weaves between all opposites, all words. it is unconsciousness.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

another meeting with god

I would like to make a skype video to put on youtube. the skype would involve me (playing myself) and someone else (playing god). iv asked a couple of people but people keep saying no to this great oppertunity. If anyone would like to do it with me send me a message or comment. the script is below.

God: hello james

me: hello God
 god: ....

me: well thanks for meeting with me again
god: no problem

me: well i know we cleared up last time that im a dog turd in the grand scheme of things and thats
something i have now come to terms with.

god..... [says nothing]
me: uh but i am struggling a bit with being a dog turd and life in general.

god: .....
me: so ... well... i was wondering if you could give me a free pass?

god: you will have to explain further
me: well im struggling with basic things in life. getting out of bed, going to the toilet. and im rather sad. so i just wondered if i could just skip life and you could give me a pass to heaven.

god: this is not how life works james. life is a test. you cannot simply skip it and then take the reward of living nobly when you have not made the effort.
james: ok well what about maybe a small voucher or something. uhm like some money so i could go on holiday?

god: look james i cant help you with this. if i did everyone else would want the same and the whole living thing would become farcical. you are just going to have to get on with it.
james: well im not sure i can be held responsible for my actions any more

god: i beg your pardon
james: well i have bad thoughts. someone might get hurt by my hands.

god: look i am not some weak parent or a friend you can bully. if you break the rules i have set out for you. if you trespass against me there will be grave consequences. goodbye.

god disconnected.

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

an amazonian adventure

We were nine days into a trip deep into the amazon river. We packed up our kit and slung it all onto the inflatable boat we were using. Ready to start the day.
There were six of us all together. three of us formed a film crew documenting the other three who were scientists collecting evidence on water quality as we moved along the amazon.

It was raining hard as we got into the boat. Rudolph one of the three scientists said
"i have brought long snorkels for zis situation" he said putting a hand out to make point of the rain.
"ve shall tip ze boat upside down. holding onto the underside of ze boat and use zese snorkels as a vay to breathe. ze propellar will act much the same vay as on an aeroplane propellar when out of ze vawter. driving us forvard"

i looked at the others with disbelief. surely someone would speak out against this idea. i mean going into the river to avoid the rain? but no one spoke up and the authoritarian german was shoeing everyone out of the boat before we had a time to react. everyone clambered out the boat and unaided rudolph turned the boat upside down with the outboard propellar waving in the air.
this surely couldnt work could it? the propellar working out of the water?

"come. come. let us go" rudolph said. he handed each of us a ridiculously long blue snorkel. about six feet long with a ninety degree bend in the middle of it.
now the river was not freezing but it was cold and unpleasant. it got up to my knees before i had to raise an objection to this absurd plan.
"what an earth are we doing rudolph? this is madness. we will be much colder in the river than sat in the boat being rained on.
"nonsense Philip. ze vawter it is qvite vawm" he said standing waist deep in it.
I again looked at the others. But Rudolph was a clever man well regarded by everyone on the trip and in the scientific field he worked in. so the others were willing to follow his commands.

so i followed the rest out into the river. Rudolph put the kit we had in bags which i hoped were waterproof and then ducked underneath the upside down boat with them. he then reappeared without the bags. "ok ze bags are tied to ze lifeboat. okay?.... well let us push za boat"

we pushed the boat out to the point where we could no longer touch the river bed with our feet.
"ok now ve put on our snorkellz and svim under ze boat and take hold of ze seat bars. ok?"
everyone looked at each other now all rather uncomfortable.
Rudolph leading the way. putting his head under the boat till he had vanished except for his long snorkel sticking outside. his two fellow scientists followed suit. perhaps he'd done this before on a previous expedition and they knew how effective it was.
"this is stupid" i said to my two filming cohorts.
they looked blankly back at me. then rudolph reappeared
"come, come. you must all be in position so i can start ze motor."
fixing us with a steely stare. the other two donned their snorkels and vanished under the boat. i treaded water for a few more seconds then followed suit. putting the snorkel into my mouth and ducking under the boat.
once under the boat it was like a small dark cave. i found one of the two bars that were normally used as seating and lifted my torso onto it taking the top half of my body out of the water.
"hallo", "yeah im here", "hello"
another sploosh as someone entered the small airspace above the river, the upside down boat had created.
"ok so ve are all here?" said rudolph
"yes Philip is here" i said. the others followed suit. "yes rebecca is here", Susan is here", John is here""david is here".
"guut, guut. Ok i vill try to start ze engine now. ze boat may jump forward ven it starts so hold onto ze seating bars. yah?"
"ok", "right", "i will"

there was a bit of splashing as rudolph yanked the pull cord to start the motor. he thrashed about for a couple of minutes.
"i cannot seem to start za motor. it must be due to the resistance of the water"
the boat brushed my head. then pressed on it.
"i think the boat is sinking. it seems to be pressing more on my head."
"shit shit. it is. the boat is sinking"
"quick you must hold the boat up whilst i remove za equipment."
i pressed on the boat above my head hoping the others were doing the same. but the boat was sinking further. the neoprene pressing harder on the top of my head.
"Its no good" i said struggling to keep my mouth about the water as it rose and fell with the commotion inside the small airspace. I ducked down swimming under the boat and back out to the river outside of it. taking my snorkel out there were already my two other film crew there.
"for fucks sake!" said John
the three germans still battling to save the equipment as only a few inches of the boat remained above the surface. the weight of the equipment pulling it down.
then rudolph reappeared
"vat are you doing! ve must recover ze equipment and stop ze boat from sinking!
you have your snorkels yah. you must help us"
"it is hopeless rudolph the boat has sunk" i said as the last visible part of the boat was submerged. the two other germans reaapearing from under the boat.
we all treaded water for a moment not sure what to do now. then i headed back to the shore. the others following me. rudolph was the last to return still trying to recover the boat and equipment despite everyone else abandoning it.
we stood on the shore all looking back at rudolph as he gave up on the boat and swam towards us.
then a splash. the flailing crescent of water and the distinctive row of small blunt spikes rising above the water. an alligator.
"help him!" rebecca said. looking at me and the other two men.
no one moved as the alligator thrashed about tearing rudolph apart. rudolph could not be seen only the alligators fins and the top of its head showed above the water. then the alligator swam away lightly glancing the surface of the water as it did so. there was no obvious signs of blood in the brown water, no severed limbs. but Rudolph was dead that was quite apparent. any remains must of sank or been taken by the alligator.

now we were all in a dilemma. no supplies. nothing to sleep in or eat and about 200 miles into the amazon from the rivers mouth.
there were 5 of us now.

4 of us didnt make it.
i died being bit by a snake. the two girls both fell in a pit full of spikes. John my filming compatriot died either from starvation or poisoning it wasnt obvious as he had eaten some rather unsavoury things.

now herman the german was the only one left. after trekking through the rainforest for two months he was in rather poor shape. following the rivers edge all the time downstream. then on his 7th day alone he saw a vast ship approaching. a gleaming white super yacht approached. monumental in size. herman waved frantically at the yacht. yelling and screaming
"helloooo!, help me ! here! im here! please help me"
after thirty seconds screaming and waving a man in a suit appeared.
"i am in need of rescue"
"oh you can speak english?" the man said concerned the raggy human was some sort of primitive tribal character with malicous intent.
"yah. yah i am german. but i can speak the english qvite well."
"ok well. i will tell the driver to stop the ship and you will have to swim out to the ladder at the back of the ship"

the man on the ship went out of sight and sure enough the engine stopped. herman swam out to the large yacht. climbed the 30 foot ladder to get onto the deck then was greeted by the man in the suit presumably some sort of butler and another man in a dressing gown.
"well, well well" the dressing gown man said. "this is quite an interesting development in our little trip" the man said with an american accent.
"oh thank you. thank you i was sure i was doomed"
herman then told the man his story of stupidity and disaster.
"what are you doing this deep in the amazon?" herman asked
"we are on a little jaunt looking for the heart of darkness"
"oh no this place is in Rio De janeiro" herman said. "it is also much nicer than the amazon with its beaches and resorts"
"oh ok well rio it is" the man in the dressing gown said. "i will ask the driver to turn the boat around.
the boat however was too large. it would not turn around without grounding the front and back of the ship. so instead they had to go back down the river in reverse. from there they sailed to Rio.

now it was no accident herman was saved from death. for he had helped his mother and father in his youth. and was a conscientious young man so god saw fit to spare him.

the end

ok i ran out of patience with this after a while and blitzed the end of the story. it would be nice if anyone read the whole thing please leave me a comment if you did or TL DR or any other critique would be appreciated.