Looking after oscar at ayton. Out on the bike with him coming back through high green in the dark. Man on a bench near road takes pictures of me as I go past ( can see the flash). Wednesday December 13th. Was the night I'd been waiting for to go swimming again with that family that were somehow with me after the previous week's swim. But it would not happen. I had reached my allowance for euphoria. Wednesday December 6th Id already made the video commenting on the girls ass. I presumed they would be there again tonight. I arrived about 5 the girl on reception seemed to not want anything to do with me. I went swimming then into the sauna. June appeared with the usual "are you ok". I was not in the mood I agitatedly shook my head. Then took a long breath hold and upon a heavy exhalation got up to leave with June saying something about my behavior along the lines of i was worried youd stopped breathing. I headed to yoga. I was early. The instructor was there. "Are you here for yoga" I nodded and grabbed a mat off the stack. I half assed the standing poses but once we lied down I gave up. She eventually came over and tried to tell me what to do but it was hard to understand and my efforts to comply were weak. At the end she came over to me saying something or other she seemed bemused by me couldn't work out whether I was an idiot or a master. Finished at 8 and I headed back to the pool. I sat in my cubicle. Initially I planned not to go swimming but as I sat and pondered it became more possible until I gathered my gear and headed to the medium swim lane. As I got in martin gave me a dirty look and left. Presumed hed seen my video or maybe he was annoyed at being disturbed swimming with the girl. He left. Her bathing suit had thin straps that crossed across the middle of her back. I swam up to the top and stood, floated in the corner. She paused and looked at me. Did she know about the video or was she surprised someone could stand and look back in her presence. She played in the deep and briefly one time I swam near on my back dolphin kicking. I saw her try to swim underwater possibly inspired by my antics. I half stood, floated in the shallows on my back while father and daughter talked swimming. She did some butterfly and tried to encourage her father to follow her lead. Did they all know about my video, my lust. They tolerated me without sign of malice. I got out first. And delayed under the pool showers. The elder daughter showered on the other side and as I caught site of her I thought for a moment it was her I'd originally seen and walked to changing lured by her figure. Got changed reasonably quickly as it was near closing. Took my boots, socks to the chairs. The father sat on the other side putting his shoes on. I put some chilli oil on my feet then socks, boots. I sat and waited nervously head bowed. The whole family appeared. Then set off to the exit. I followed. The younger daughter at the front. Elder at the back. As we got to the entrance the elder held the door for me I half smiled as I got the door. They headed to their car? I went to my bike. I headed to stokesley. My usual spot Chapters deli was closed. I rode down the high street nowhere obvious to go. On way back il mulino was open. Parked the bike up, headed in . Was all women, 2 groups and female waitress. I ordered sparkling water and sat down. She brought it to me. She was attractive. I sat sipping my water occasionally looking round at the women. They paid me no attention. Happy with my situation. I got home ate dinner. Took by my standards large amounts of LSD, cannabis oil, DMT. The trip was accompanied by usual fears of being gassed. Would go outside. Had fears of many people as usual such as my family, neighbours. But the main people I faced were the family at the pool. They laughed at me when I got scared and disoriented. At times the were benevolent, nurturing. I fantasised about them taking me into their family away from all the hostility and struggle. The night was long. At 2am time slowed to a clock watching grind. I went outside to escape the gas. The family seemed hell bent on my demise. I surrendered to them. Just do it, come with your knives and kill me. Morning eventually arrived. I became convinced my flat was being used as a place of sexual abuse. D? b? All these drugs. So much diazepam. What is going on. I threw most of the drugs away. Emptying the salvia out. The epitalon. I felt these drugs were encouraged by those around me. To constantly adhere to health and youth. Well now I wanted nothing to do with it. To hell with it and them. I ripped down my blinds. Threw them outside. Pulled out the old single mattress covered in semen stains. Could I not take my desperate sexual reality no more. All these ideas of sexual abuse and victim hood were they just fictional projects to quell my sexual torment. I sat in my kitchen. All the windows open. New next door neighbour put a card through my window I just stared at him. Some woman id not seen before came out with dawn. I went out as they got in a car. Motioning to wind down their window the woman obliged I asked what she was doing with dawn she said something along the lines of I will deal with you later. I gave up and went back inside